Imagine a world where dangerous drugs are illegal, but pumping your own gas is considered so unsafe, it’s grounds for arrest. That’s life in the bizarro world of Oregon. Like the backwards cube-shaped world in the Superman comic books, where Earth was called Htrae, Nogero has gone from a quirky land of liberals to inside-out progressive nuttiness.
In this November’s election, Nogero decriminalized hard street drugs like heroin, meth, oxy and LSD and legalized mushrooms for therapeutic treatment. But self-serve gas stations are virtually banned everywhere because of safety concerns. And you can’t walk around in public with a cocktail in your hand.
Snort all the coke you like in Nogero, but not through a plastic straw — like plastic bags, those have been banned.
In Nogero you can’t buy Sudafed in a drug store without a prescription because you might make meth with that.
The bizarro state’s largest city, Portland, is battling COVID, sprawling homeless camps and nightly Antifa riots, but the city council is more concerned with removing any mention of gender from the city charter.
The governor has banned gatherings of more than 6 people in your own home — but massive protests are not only allowed, but encouraged — even as Portland experiences an exponential surge in COVID-19.
Out-of-work Nogero strippers can apply for COVID relief after spending the summer demanding racial justice in the form of “cultural sensitivity training” for strip club owners. Translation: In a state with a majority white demographic, club owners aren’t booking enough black dancers. The movement attracted national attention, as did a stripper food-delivery service called Boober Eats.
And taking it all off isn’t just for Nogero strippers. You can run around naked in public, as long as you’re protesting something. Like riding your bike naked to protest for bike safety.
The Nogero Director of Elections was just fired for doing his job when he detailed problems that needed fixing in the state’s election system. Like elections software running on a Windows 2008 server, an operating system so old Microsoft no longer supports it.
A Portland City Council member who’s been pushing to #DefundThePolice and says most 911 calls are not necessary — just called the police via 911 after she got into a spat with her Lyft driver because he refused to roll the windows up.
Hopefully Lyft drivers shut off the engine while arguing with passengers in Nogero. Allowing a commercial vehicle to idle is a crime — unless the highway is being blocked for a social justice protest.
Wondering what a Biden/Harris administration might look like with a Democrat House and Senate? Welcome to Nogero. This is your future.